If Only

You’ll only be sheltered so long,
until you learn to be strong.

Mamma, how I wish I could be ten again and cry myself to sleep.
These days, all I do is look at myself in the mirror and weep;
stare at the ceiling as tears roll down my cheeks.

How I wish I could look around and only see beauty-
Greener grass, butterflies and stars…
(An era where dreams aren’t marred and charred.)

If only, greys could be colourblocked.
If only, I didn’t have to put up this ruse of being strong.
If only, chronicles and tidings weren’t altered for morning meat.
If only, I could fathom my own heartbeat.

If only, I wouldn’t be censured for every word I say;
and not have a heavy heart every single time I pray.

If only, I could read his mind;
look into his eyes and bare my soul away.
If only, I knew he was the one for sure…

I wouldn’t be so miserable, so terribly afraid;
I’d finally be vulnerable and open up my heart’s gate.
I would write myself a song,
and have all those I love sing-along.

Because I didn’t know earlier, although I should have known all along-
You’ll only be sheltered so long,
until you learn to be strong.

© achillesheelpoetry, 2022